I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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