the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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