I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
