I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
