Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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