When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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