This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
