My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
