Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
