I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
