i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
