I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
