you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
