God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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