the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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