Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
try to milk me bitch
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
