the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
