I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
