Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
