Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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