You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
