I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
