I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
