I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
