On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
