Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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