Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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