LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
