guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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