This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
