My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
