I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
