smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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