I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I will pee on everything he values.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
