If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Someone came in the potted fern
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
