just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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