Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
