apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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