I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
