That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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