I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
