dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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