We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
