my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
