Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
