i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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