I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
