I feel like abortions should bother me more
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
