so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
