Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
