Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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