I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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