Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
