I wish I only lived at night.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
