After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
